The feeling of extreme anger

Here’s another thought that came to my mind as I was lying in bed, contemplating about life while coughing like a lunatic.

I mean I’m sick and I hate being sick. I cough and cough, my voice sounds funny. My throat is so itchy and I have a runny nose.

As I was saying. For most people, they think of me as someone who’s tough. I guess they mean by it is that I am capable of handling anything.

They see me as strict. They see me as someone who doesn’t need anyone’s help when dealing with problems.

I guess it’s my face. I have that tough persona. But to be honest, that’s farther from the truth. I may look tough but sometimes you get drowned by sadness. For my case, I get drowned by extreme anger.

For most people, they experience extreme sadness when they are lonely. For my case, I experience extreme anger. Like for no apparent reason, you get very angry.

And you don’t know why. And because you can make sense of your anger, you get angrier for being angry.

It so hard to explain and it’s even difficult to describe how you feel.

I’m actually afraid to interact with people because of this feeling. I scare people because of this feeling.

I’m not the type to have a bubbling personality and I find small talks boring most of the time.

I have to control my emotion most of the time to prevent people from being afraid of me. BTW, that is so exhausting. It drains me mentally and emotional.

I have to watch what I say, I have to be careful at how I react to things, I have to do this and that. And believe me you, that is so fucking challenging.

Because if I could be the real me in the real world. People would despise me. People would even stay away from me. People would say a lot of bad things about me.

But then again. Even if I’m trying to be nice. People still think ill of me.

It’s not so much that I am afraid people would hate me or stay away from me. It’s about the people who I want to be friends. People who’m I want to have a connection. Those are the people that I am afraid who would stay away and be scared.

Because they’re the connections that haven’t seen the real me.

Only my family and long time friends have seen the real me. And believe me, my long time friends, they’re like stuck with me and they know how to steer clear whenever I’m in mo most unfriendly manner.

Then after a few minutes or hours, they would talk to me again just to check if I’m okay. Just to check if I’m still alive.

For people like me who avoids having a lot of friends. Keeping the connection with my current friends is the most important thing for us.

Because it’s hard for us to connect with other people.

Anyway, it’s just a thought.

Just an update

It’s been a while since I posted something. So we had our team leaders outing this month.

That was fun. I actually wanted to talk to the woman I love and hangout more but I didn’t have a chance.

Anyway, I’ll be in hk this month and hopefully I have something to say so see you again in a couple of weeks

BTFBAED

Be thankful for being alive each day.

I find it interesting that whenever there’s a huge event, people are always thankful for being alive. It’s like you only appreciate things if something big happens or a major event occurred.

We tend to appreciate the small things. The minute things that happen everyday. People tend to not appreciate the kindness that they experience from a random stranger or a friend or a family member..

People don’t appreciate when someone asks how you are doing or if they asks what’s happening in your life. In fact, some people tend to think of it as annoying which is kinda sad if the other person asking is truly worried or genuinely interested in knowing things about you.

We definitely take those things for granted and most of time, we think of it as a normal occurrence. People would think that it’s what we expect from the people we know or from family members so why make a big deal out of it?

It’s not about making a big deal out of a simple or normal occurrences. It’s about being appreciative of the normal things. Being thankful for what you have.

I think the reason why most people are unhappy with their lives is because they don’t know how to appreciate things.

I think the moment that we learn to truly appreciate the what he have and the events that we experience. Every second or minute that we spend with the people we love.

That’s the only time that we can be happy as individuals.

As for me, I don’t pray at night but I always say this every time I wake up in the morning.

“Thank you for another day”

Because I’m thankful for being alive. I appreciate waking up in the morning and being angry like I always am.

I am happy to be on this planet and breath the polluted air that we breath.

I’m not just thankful for a single moment that happened or a single event that occurred.

Every second is a blessing, good or bad. It doesn’t really matter, because I’m still thankful for the experience.

You might be thinking that I sound like a positive person. I’m telling you now, that I am not.

I have a grumpy face and I’m always angry. That’s way majority of the people would stay the hell away from me.

Only the brave would dare talk to me.

A little bit of me

I like people, but I was raised to only speak when I have to. Or if someone talks to me. And whenever I speak, people always say that I sound angry, even though I’m not. And people always say that my words are insulting, even though I only speak the truth.

So most of the time, I just stay quite because I fear that I might insult people without realizing it.

It’s not easy for me to have a conversation with other people because I’m awkward sometimes. I’m not social like everyone else. I’ve been this way since I was a kid and it’s difficult for me to make friends.

So the friends that I do have, they’re important to me. It means I was able to connect with them somehow. Even my family knows that I’m always quite. I’m always thinking about something.

I keep things to myself because I don’t want to burden anyone about my problems, my issues and my insecurities.

At the age of 14, I became the man of the house when my father died. I get to decide what to do or how to do things. My mother would always ask me how we’re going to handle things.

Can you imagine a 14 year old kid deciding the fate of our family. I was a kid, I was supposed to do what teenagers do. But I didn’t have time for that. I had to grow up fast and be an adult and look for a job and be a man.

It’s not something that I would wish for anyone to experience. I’ve had a lot of hardships in life. I’ve been carrying a huge weight for so long that sometimes I’m amazed that I made it this far in life.

Some people think that my life is great. You guys have no idea what I had to endure. The sacrifices that I made.

Well, life is shitty. I read somewhere before that it’s not about the problem, it’s how you deal with it, that’s important.

Or something along those lines.

Drive and Grit

You know what I really want employees to have?

Grit, it’s a lost commodity nowadays. People tend to quit or give up easily. Grit something that cannot be taught. Grit for me means, the passion to persevere no matter the odds, no matter the situation and no matter the challenges.

The second thing that I want employees to have is drive. Yes, drive is way better than motivation. Motivation is a fickle behavior and it can go up and down depending on the situation. Whereas drive, it doesn’t matter what the situation is, someone with drive will find a way to make things work. Or even if doesn’t work, he or she will just leave up to experience and do something else or keep doing what he or she is doing. If there’s a roadblock in front of the road, you can always drive around it. go over it or go through it. For me, that’s the meaning of drive.

Motivation is overrated. Be driven instead. – this is what I always tell myself every day.

Be Thankful

To bo honest with you folks.

Work has been so busy, there’s so many things that I want to accomplish and things that needs to be done.

I feel like there’s so much that I could do but there’s so little time.

I’m not really complaining. In fact I’m very thankful. I’m thankful that i have a job. I’m thankful that I’m learning a lot and all of the things that I’ve learned are very useful.

Yes, my job is stressful and yes my job is challenging. But it’s not that stressful or challenging that I’m just going to pack my bags and give up.

Fuck that shit. Life is full of challenges and stress. Are you telling me that your just going to give up on life?

There’s so many things to be thankful about. Being alive is one. Having food, clothing and shelter is something to thank for.

If you’re the type of person who only focuses on the negative things in life, then no amount of money, material things or success can makenyou happy. You sad pathetic piece of human anatomy.

So ask yourself, what makes you happy?

As for me, being alone makes me happy.

Being with my friends and family makes me happy.

Being with strangers makes me happy, as long as they leave me alone.

Random Thoughts

Do you know how many times I failed?
Do you know how many times I got rejected?
Do you know how many times people told that I’m not good enough.

The number of time I was told that I don’t fit here.
The number of time I was told that I’m not qualified.
The number of times that people told me I’m not going anywhere with my life?

I’ve been told so many times that I stopped caring about what other people say.

Because the people who matters to me the most.

They’re fucking supportive.

So don’t let yourself drown in other people’s opinion.

That shit ain’t right.