Here’s another thought that came to my mind as I was lying in bed, contemplating about life while coughing like a lunatic.
I mean I’m sick and I hate being sick. I cough and cough, my voice sounds funny. My throat is so itchy and I have a runny nose.
As I was saying. For most people, they think of me as someone who’s tough. I guess they mean by it is that I am capable of handling anything.
They see me as strict. They see me as someone who doesn’t need anyone’s help when dealing with problems.
I guess it’s my face. I have that tough persona. But to be honest, that’s farther from the truth. I may look tough but sometimes you get drowned by sadness. For my case, I get drowned by extreme anger.
For most people, they experience extreme sadness when they are lonely. For my case, I experience extreme anger. Like for no apparent reason, you get very angry.
And you don’t know why. And because you can make sense of your anger, you get angrier for being angry.
It so hard to explain and it’s even difficult to describe how you feel.
I’m actually afraid to interact with people because of this feeling. I scare people because of this feeling.
I’m not the type to have a bubbling personality and I find small talks boring most of the time.
I have to control my emotion most of the time to prevent people from being afraid of me. BTW, that is so exhausting. It drains me mentally and emotional.
I have to watch what I say, I have to be careful at how I react to things, I have to do this and that. And believe me you, that is so fucking challenging.
Because if I could be the real me in the real world. People would despise me. People would even stay away from me. People would say a lot of bad things about me.
But then again. Even if I’m trying to be nice. People still think ill of me.
It’s not so much that I am afraid people would hate me or stay away from me. It’s about the people who I want to be friends. People who’m I want to have a connection. Those are the people that I am afraid who would stay away and be scared.
Because they’re the connections that haven’t seen the real me.
Only my family and long time friends have seen the real me. And believe me, my long time friends, they’re like stuck with me and they know how to steer clear whenever I’m in mo most unfriendly manner.
Then after a few minutes or hours, they would talk to me again just to check if I’m okay. Just to check if I’m still alive.
For people like me who avoids having a lot of friends. Keeping the connection with my current friends is the most important thing for us.
Because it’s hard for us to connect with other people.
Anyway, it’s just a thought.